Tuesday, 31 August 2010

The end

As many of you will know, I am not having an easy time. I am not sleeping, I am in constant pain despite various palliative intervention. I had radiotherapy but apart from suffering the side-effects, I am yet to experience the reduction in pain I was promised. However, this is moreorless what the doctors predicted. I have tried various sleeping pills but the pain and coughing override each time and I find myself awake, sitting up, trying to find things to do to pass the time. I say that I take day by day but in truth, it is moment by moment because I have no idea how I will feel at any given time during the day or night.

Many of you are praying for my recovery. This is not going to happen and to be honest, I would prefer it if you were all to pray and hope for a quick end to this. I am ready for all this to end. I don’t want any more weeks or months of suffering. I don’t want to be in hospital being fed through a tube. I have lost 12 kg, I am finding it hard to even sit down as there is no cushioning. I struggle to keep food down and tend to vomit quite regularly. Hence the loss of weight and the doctors’ suggestion that I be tube fed but with what quality of life will I be left?
My voice is never going to return. The ENT department says that the paralysis is too far gone for them to do any further operations. Because the vocal cords are so far apart, they are not protecting my airway and I risk aspirating when eating and drinking. I had an assessment in hospital and it seems that at the moment, provided I take care, I will be okay for now.

Many people want to come and see me...please understand that I am in a lot of pain, struggle to sleep and can throw up at any moment. I am trying to fit people in but at the moment, my priority is my family.

I am fading, so will stop this blog now. Hopefully have more strength to write another one soon with more positive things to say.

Please collectively will me to my end. I have had a great life, I just want peace now.

Love you all



  1. Take care Angus and try to stay positive (moment by moment). Here's hoping that you can mange some sleep tonight (I'm sure that will help no end!) Keep up the blogging if you can as there are plenty of people avidly reading it. Much love and hugs xxx

  2. Dear Angus. All my positive energy is geared to wishing you free from pain and able to sleep. I hope you find peace soon, in a way that means we can all share it with you for some time to come.

    Please keep blogging, selfishly, it means I can have my morning coffee with you every once in a while! Lots of love... xxx

  3. It' so sad, Angus, and beyond comprehension. May you find peace, but always know that you were loved. We will meet again.

    Liz C. xxxx

  4. Je garde le foie gras et toi la confiture de figue!!! Et puis j'attends toujours tu sais ... some sheep on the ship doing some shit on my sheets! je voudrais tant que tu viennes.

    un gros gros bisou

  5. Dear Angus, I hope you remember this Form 2 teacher who spent a very happy and fun filled year exchanging notes between classes and in the dining hall. I loved your piano playing and your enthusiasm for the children's music. Do you still have the Mini? My thoughts and prayers are with you wishing for peace in your body and in your heart. lots of Love Jenxxxxx

  6. Dear Angus, I can't believe what you're going through, and I also can't believe how long it's been since we've seen each other. Know, though, that I never forgot you, and never will. We've all been blessed to know you, and lots of happy memories will live on.
    Take care,

  7. I am eternally greatful that our paths have crossed and that I was able to sit with you and have fruitful conversations. You will always be remembered for all the good times shared.

    When you pass as we all will do;
    send my love to Brenda Fussy - Ma Brr!


  8. Hi Angus, praying for you...I pray that you will find rest and peace and that something greater than you will take hold and start fighting for you: Isaiah 40:31

    31 but those who hope in the LORD
    will renew their strength.
    They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

    I pray the best for you...I pray that something inside of you can take hold and give you comfort, peace and rest!

    Matthew 17:20

    I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

    Prayer can move mountains...please accept mine...to keep fighting...I pray that you are going to receive the right people to pray over you soon! God Bless You!

  9. Angus, we met only once but you touched my life. I prayed for you earlier, before reading this blog. I now hope and pray that you find yourself more comfortable and at peace.
    God bless

  10. 'What is Death?'

    Death is nothing at all.
    I have only slipped away into the next room.
    I am I and you are you.
    Whatever we were to each other,
    that we still are.

    Call me by my old familiar name.
    Speak to me in the easy way
    which you always used.
    Put no difference in your tone.
    Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

    Laugh as we always laughed
    at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
    Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
    Let my name be ever the household word
    that it always was.
    Let it be spoken without affect,
    without the trace of a shadow on it.

    Life means all that it ever meant.
    It is the same that it ever was.
    There is absolutely unbroken continuity.
    Why should I be out of mind
    because I am out of sight?

    I am waiting for you,
    for an interval,
    somewhere very near,
    just around the corner.

    All is well.

  11. This post has touched me so deeply. I am not sure if you visit your blog anymore to read comments but all the same, I will pray for you and keep you and your family in my thoughts. Please stay strong.