As many of you will know, I am not having an easy time. I am not sleeping, I am in constant pain despite various palliative intervention. I had radiotherapy but apart from suffering the side-effects, I am yet to experience the reduction in pain I was promised. However, this is moreorless what the doctors predicted. I have tried various sleeping pills but the pain and coughing override each time and I find myself awake, sitting up, trying to find things to do to pass the time. I say that I take day by day but in truth, it is moment by moment because I have no idea how I will feel at any given time during the day or night.
Many of you are praying for my recovery. This is not going to happen and to be honest, I would prefer it if you were all to pray and hope for a quick end to this. I am ready for all this to end. I don’t want any more weeks or months of suffering. I don’t want to be in hospital being fed through a tube. I have lost 12 kg, I am finding it hard to even sit down as there is no cushioning. I struggle to keep food down and tend to vomit quite regularly. Hence the loss of weight and the doctors’ suggestion that I be tube fed but with what quality of life will I be left?
My voice is never going to return. The ENT department says that the paralysis is too far gone for them to do any further operations. Because the vocal cords are so far apart, they are not protecting my airway and I risk aspirating when eating and drinking. I had an assessment in hospital and it seems that at the moment, provided I take care, I will be okay for now.
Many people want to come and see me...please understand that I am in a lot of pain, struggle to sleep and can throw up at any moment. I am trying to fit people in but at the moment, my priority is my family.
I am fading, so will stop this blog now. Hopefully have more strength to write another one soon with more positive things to say.
Please collectively will me to my end. I have had a great life, I just want peace now.
Love you all