Mellow Magic FMdf

When I moved into my flat in Crystal Palace, I sat up most the night in the large bay window, listening to Mellow Magic FM. All the oldies, the ballads that I either grew up with or heard throughout the many years for which I’ve been around. I always sing along, either singing the melody or the harmony. Singing has been a major part of my life, not just as an aspiring singer taking lessons and singing exams, but as a singing coach. Since January, I have lost my singing voice...even when I have my speaking voice, there is insufficient strength in it for singing. This has been one of my major frustrations about my illness...not being able to sing in a variety of styles, loud opera, warm ballad, jazzy crooning, the whole shebang. Now, I can only manage a gentle falsetto when I am fortunate enough to have my speaking voice.

It is 22h42 on the 19th May and I am lying on my bed listening to Mellow Magic. At home, when we eat together, we turn off the television and put on Mellow Magic and we always comment on how they play the same songs every day, weekdays and weekends. The younger readers among you will be thinking, “get a life”, but there is something so relaxing about our Mellow Magic Moments.

It was a difficult start to last week. I must admit that for the first time since my diagnosis, I was afraid and I was also angry. These are two emotions that I hadn’t really felt much before then but it hit me strongly at the start of the week. By late week I had calmed down and was back to being happy and bubbly and full of nonsense as usual. Chemo last Wednesday went smoothly despite a nervous nurse ripping my veins apart for about 45 minutes trying to put a line in. My principal chemo-sitter was Vojta who was told to stop looking at what the nurse was trying to do because it made her nervous, and we had an appearance put in by the lovely Dr. Katz who left in frustration after watching the nurse trying to cannulise me. The whole process took an hour longer than normal but I arrived safely chez Morse later in time for my afternoon nap and for one of his lovely dinners (sausage casserole). Morse not only swears regularly now, he also counts to 5...possibly as a warning to John and Richard to stop and listen to him! The amazing post-chemo news of the week was that not once did I have any nausea! It might have something to do with an extra drug I was given but it was pure bliss not feeling as if I were about to barf any minute. I wait to see if I have the same luck following today’s treatment.

Speaking about today, I booked my favourite nurse yesterday, Ferdie, who is such a laugh a minute. My chemo-sitter today was my cousin Delevine who spoiled me rotten afterwards, taking me out for lunch in the gardens of a lovely pub near Selsdon, I think. I kept falling asleep during it but the scampi and fries were delicious. I got home around 2pm and slept like a log until after 5. It was difficult waking up but I managed and had a lovely meal prepared by Lio, one of my great couchsurfers. Last night’s dinner was hamburgers prepared by Benja. I have put on 2kgs since falling ill and it shows! We always have cake or dessert in our house! Still, I’m not complaining.

This week, I managed to coach one client and also had a lovely meeting with one of the sponsors. Some lovely things were said about my coaching but modesty will stop me from quoting exactly what was said. Suffice it to say, I was mega-chuffed.

Last night I watched a documentary on Zimbabwe which was quite disturbing despite me being more than familiar with events in the country. My eldest niece is moving back there tomorrow and while it is so sad to see her go, I wonder what sort of adventure it will be for her. I consider myself so British when I am living here and am proud to be multi-cultural and be a citizen of more than one country. But there is something about Africa that calls me back, particularly when I am not feeling well. I think it is the sunshine. I feel completely different the minute I see and feel the sunshine. We all do. While the weather in Africa at the moment is cold, wet and downright miserable without central heating, I still long to be on an aeroplane flying “home” for a visit. And I will do that, hopefully for one visit in September, and one in December, health and finances permitting. I have this urge to travel at the moment. Short city breaks...Rome, Paris, Amsterdam...and longer journeys...the States, Canada, India...and I will travel, even if it is the last thing I do!

I have been clearing out the eves of my loft, creating more space and decluttering. This has brought me face to face with many scrap books, photos, objects, letters, cards...a whole gamut of “things” that I have collected and kept over the years. Some of you would be surprised about notes I found you’d written me over 20 years ago. Some wonderful blackmail material (in the nicest way possible) and some really touching moments. I am looking at ways in which I can keep most or all of these memories for you after I am gone but then again, you probably have your own memory banks and won’t need these reminders at all.

I am going to face some challenging moments ahead, let’s have no doubt about that. But, with the love and support that I receive from you all, from all corners of the world, how can I allow myself to be afraid? I simply have no need to be afraid, I simply have to trust in you all, and to trust in myself, in my ability to face whatever comes my way. Together, we can do it!

Thank you once again for reading

Your golden goose