Smile

Smile, though your heart is breaking
Smile, even though it's aching

When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your pain and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll find the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although tears maybe ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use in crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you'll just smile..

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile what's the use in crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you'll just smile.

I was driving to Brighton today to collect Rob and Alex after their London to Brighton bike ride in which they participated to raise money for cancer awareness (these guys are just amazing). The radio was playing father’s day requests and someone requested the song Smile. I hadn’t heard this song for ages and I croaked along in my non-existent voice and was reminded of the need to smile. Sometimes, it’s hard to find something to smile about, or so we tell ourselves, but if we’re really honest, there are so many good memories within us that we have no excuse for not finding a reason to smile. In Africa, many black children live in abject poverty, have lost parents to HIV/AIDS, have been physically, sexually and mentally abused and yet what happens every time there is a documentary on these kids? We see smiles, smiles and more smiles. If you have never seen a fat black baby smile then go out and find one today. I know that sounds racist and generalised, but while I know that there are children of all nationalities and shades of colour who do smile, I am always struck by the African child’s ability to smile through his or her tears. Children don’t need Madonna to adopt them and surround them by multimillion dollar gadgets and media, they just need a few plastic bags to make a soccer ball, and someone to give them at least one meal a day in order to get them to smile. Why do we adults find it so difficult to smile more? Maybe it is because we know better, we know what a cruel world this world can be, but that’s all the more reason for us to show some teeth and smile. It always makes us and everyone else feel better. I love drawing smiley faces, known as “smileys” on every note I leave for people...one of my friends once wrote: “As Angus would say, :)”...Sometimes my smileys really get that goofy look and other times they’re less successful; but, I love drawing smileys and putting them on everything. Two of my fellow housemates have started doing them too and it is not uncommon to find a smiley post-it hidden in my pocket or hidden in my laptop when I open it. It never fails to make me smile when I receive one, particularly when they are there as a surprise.

I sat through the last of my chemotherapy treatments last week Wednesday. My chemositter was Brent, a friend from Cape Town. Like all my previous chemositters, he got to see me at my worst, hating every minute of it and just wanting to get out of there. Brent has re-named me, giving me my new Xhosa name of “Patience”! Clearly, I am lacking in that department and demonstrated it by wanting to connect my own bag of flush and de-cannulise myself as I couldn’t wait any longer for the nurse. I just wanted to get out of that hospital as quickly as possible but also had a bit of a wait for my medication to come down from pharmacy. I will go back sometime this week to say a proper thank you to the nurses who looked after me as they have been truly amazing. The side effects have been at their worst but at least it was the last treatment and it can only get better, if even only for a short while. The plan is to see the ENT specialist on the 30th about my voice (been almost two months now without a voice) and then see the oncologist on the 2nd of August for a review. Insh’Allah, I will not have to have any further treatment for at least 6 months although I think I am being rather optimistic there. I have a nebuliser now and have already had requests for it to be used as a hubbly-bubbly! The nebuliser has been helping a bit with the shortness of breath so that’s another positive thing to add. All in all, I am looking forward to no more chemo in my system. I am a completely different person when not under the side effects of chemo.

My travel plans are all coming together. I am off to Nice on the 6th of July for a week, then Germany on the 2nd of August for about a week too. New York is still being planned and there will be other short trips, depending on my health. I am still able to see one or two clients from time to time but it isn’t great as I have no voice and this influences the dynamics of our coaching sessions and is not really ideal.

Someone asked me the other day, “How do you cope being at home all day? How do you stop yourself from getting bored?” I guess that I have had to find other ways of occupying myself. I write a lot, I read, I learn languages (Polish in 60 minutes!), I make scrap or “memory” books filled with photos and stories and other “stuff”, I take care of the house, I play piano and ‘cello (not much though), I write material for coaching, visit people and receive visitors, and more importantly, I prepare for the “end” in terms of trying to get everything in place. I don’t often feel bored or depressed, I somehow manage to stay busy and occupied. Having worked and studied at the same time all my adult life, the last three years have taught me to be more resourceful with my time and to set objectives and plans for the days or weeks ahead. It is a rare privilege to be able to plan your own time without the constraints of a daily job and I am well aware of that privilege and therefore make the most of it.

So, the thought I’d like to leave with you this time is: smile more and work and stress less! Create quality time for yourself and make the most of every free moment you have.

Thank you for reading

Much love

BoodaGoose (an adaptation of an Algerian footballer’s name) :)