Control Z

I often speak about my friend Adam and often boast about how clever he is. Clever and quite a cheeky monkey too. As I mentioned in my last blog, he has a way of knowing when I am pretending to not know how to do something and will send me an email containing detailed instructions on how to do this. Mind you, this Electrical Engineer and his equally electrically engineered friend Dave, once had to cook me dinner in Cape Town. Neither had cooked before and I came home to a precision-cut, absolutely recipe-perfect meal. Every last detail had been observed, every last ounce carefully measured and indeed, it was a lovely meal. I have been sent emails on how to create folders, sub-folders, how to label them and file them away, how to create text boxes and numerous other things. Anything on the computer, Adam can not only do it, but he can write a manual on how to do it. Something he did do for me on two occasions (without leaving me to attempt on my own), was to format my Masters and PhD theses, although he did insert a comment on one page of my PhD: “Angus fell asleep at this point”. Fortunately, he was kind enough to remove it before we submitted the thesis for examination! The reason I have mentioned all of this is because while I was speaking about how my lovely EEE PC randomly deletes paragraphs and whole pages of text because of an overexcited mousepad, Adam casually says “control z, it undoes what you’ve just done.” Just like that...net sommer! I mean, I’ve known this guy for years and he waits til now to say “control z”...does he know how many emails and documents I have re-typed because they disappeared from my screen and there wasn’t the undo arrow-thingy at the top for me to click and he now tells me, “control z”? I mean, yeah, I am very grateful for the knowledge and have been control z-ding all week...just would’ve been nice to know this for the last 2 years at least! Eish! But thanks, Adam, you are indeed a clever boy (not to mention a great friend) and I am sure I still have a lot to learn from you.

One of the things I’ve been doing since I found out that I am ill, is making peace - not only with myself - but with people I might have fallen out with years ago or with people with whom I’ve not been in touch in years. I guess that I have been control z-ding. It made me think of times I sent a text I wish I hadn’t, or written a letter I wish I hadn’t, or said or done something I wish I hadn’t...it would have been so nice if I could have just pressed control-z and it all would have been undone. But, what I am discovering is that many people have a huge capacity to forgive and forget. That is a quality that I wish I were born with: although I seldom hold grudges now, I was very good at it before; I could harbour disappointment and anger for months, sometimes years, letting it fester inside me while the other person had already moved on with their life. It was through constant love that I received in return for the anger that taught me that I was not doing myself any favours, that my method was just plain and simply wrong. I know two people who are “not getting on” and I also know other people who have not spoken to each other for years and who feel that this issue will never be resolved. This makes me think, I wonder if you were told that you will probably die within a year, would you make peace with your enemies or your ex-friends? I love saying that...”my ex-friend”. I often say to someone, tell my ex-friend Kerwin (or John or whomever) that I said hello (usually because the person hasn’t called or replied to a text) and I always get a response within hours. Emotional blackmail (I think I invented it but that’s for another blog).

Getting back to “enemies”, I have no more room in my life for them. I want them back as friends or even just plain acquaintances. I recently, through sending him a birthday message every year for the last 3 years, got a lovely text from a French friend who declared himself my sworn enemy because I refused to back down (rightly so, in this case) over his unacceptable behaviour. I missed his friendship because through all the bad, there was so much more good than bad, but he would not respond to any peace-making attempts on my part (so much for the entente cordiale that Britain signed with France). However, this year (and I know that it is only because a mutual friend tipped him off), he responded to my birthday message with a lovely text and now we can move on. Do I feel that our reconciliation is less genuine just because he knows that I have cancer? No. Do I care? No. I am just glad that I have laid that demon to rest.

We waste so much of our energy wondering what someone is thinking, analysing arguments (replaying them over and over in our heads), trying to win our arguments, and going round in circles. Some nights ago, I spent 40 minutes crawling around my room looking for something calming yet inspiring to read before I went to sleep. It won’t surprise you to know that I would spend 40 minutes crawling around my room peering into dusty bookshelves as you all know that I am medically certifiable (my psychiatrist friend Tony will confirm this quite happily). After realising that my knees were now orange (I love my Ikea orange carpet), I settled on The 48 Laws of Power (Robert Greene...thanks Garth!), and decided on Law no. 9: Win through your actions, never through argument. The judgement is: “Any momentary triumph you think you have gained through argument is really a Pyrrhic (?wassat?) victory: The resentment and ill will you stir up is stronger and lasts longer than any momentary change of opinion. It is much more powerful to get others to agree with you through your actions, without saying a word. Demonstrate, do not explicate.”

Since leaving school, I have developed a thirst for knowledge. I love studying and learning new things (friends have suggested I collect stamps or butterflies instead of degrees particularly as I have my beedy eye on a MSc...). At the moment, I am thinking just how blessed I am to be receiving such amazing lessons in life. I couldn’t have learned any of this through books, or through someone else. In order to lose my selfishness, to lose my desire and need to be reassured that life was fair, that people did love me and all those terrible emotions we put ourselves through based on insecurity, I needed this life-threatening illness to bring me up to date. I have said to a several people, “if this does not make me a better person, then nothing will.” I am still learning, I am still working on my character, I am still growing as a person and it is great, every step of the way. Even when I am lying on my bed and thinking, I can’t take this nausea any more (and hearing Adam say: yes you can) or when I am sitting receiving chemo and I get that feeling that I am going to be sick, not for physical reasons but because mentally I don’t want to be there, I don’t want that toxic waste going into my arm, then I stop and remind myself that this is a lesson in life, that I should stop fighting and shut up and learn. Knowing when to shut up and learn from a situation has never been my strength but you know how you manage to not “lose your temper” when the other person is much bigger than you? Well, I am learning that sometimes, the treatment for this illness is bigger than me so I’d best just “hou my bek” (shut up) and “take my medicine”.

This week, the nausea hasn’t been great but it also hasn’t been constant. It has come in waves and I find that as long as I keep eating, I don’t feel it. Of course, I cannot stuff myself all day but what I can do is stagger my eating by eating several small portions (although I’m eating big, rather than small portions). My taste and cravings have gone completely haywire and to be honest, I display symptoms of a pregnant woman (although one of my couchsurfers did suggest I was pre-menstrual the other day – cheeky lad, his rent is going up by a fiver! When I was his age such insolence was dealt with through public stoning!). The problem is that I have all the stages of pregnancy (including the lower back pain of labour) in one. But it all goes away if I stuff my face.

In general, my health has improved drastically. I think, ladies and gentlemen, that I am going to be a cancer survivor. And if I’m wrong, it is still great seeing how well my body is responding to chemotherapy and to your (and my) positive thoughts and prayers. I don’t look or sound ill (except for that annoying cough) and I can now practically run up the escalator (okay, I run halfway and walk the rest). So, thank you and thank you all yet again for the love, support and positive energy that you send in waves to me. I feel it all and it is what keeps me going day to day.

Thank you for reading.

Your barely cooked but well basted and glistening,
Goose