Healing

It is 3am and I have woken up for the strangest of reasons, and not at all negative. There had been something missing all evening and I woke up realising what it was. Since Sunday evening I have not felt any pain at all on the left side of my body where before, I was using prescribed pain killers to control the lower back pain or any other pain where the chemotherapy chose to strike. I went to sleep with no pain and have woken up with none. Now, only I would wake up in the middle of the night to celebrate this, which I have just done with a few mouthfuls of biltong and a few bites of chunky kitkat (let’s not go overboard, okay?)!

I am reading a book that an ex colleague and friend Maria kindly sent me. It is called The Secret and is not too unlike the book The 48 Laws of Power that Garth had recommended last year. Something that both books support is the power of positive thinking. The Secret suggests, in some places, that you stop talking about your illness, that you focus more on your healing. The 48 Laws of Power has similar advice and like The Secret, also advises you to avoid people who focus on their problems as they will just bring you down with them. What my sudden healing from pain (which could easily be explained medically and which is probably only temporary but who cares?) has taught me, is that I don’t like moaning about the pain, if I feel it, it is my fault for not taking preventative medication on time so I needn’t bang on about it when the solution involves simply swallowing a couple of pills. It also taught me that I need to celebrate little moments like this. Now, my healing could be a result of my own positive thinking, it could be the result of all your prayers and meditation from your different faith groups (Buddhist, Islamic, Jewish, Christian etc...I am blessed with multi-faith friends and family), it could be the zillions of positive thoughts and energy my radar is picking up every day from all over the world, it might even be that candle that I know will burn every night in a very special person’s kitchen in Cape Town as she cooks dinner. Let me quote her directly:

“I shall light our kitchen table candle, which I do every night when I start preparing dinner, and I shall light that flame now for you, and you only, every night. I shall commit you to my God every night (I do anyway, but I am now going to do it with that act of spreading light in our kitchen - the heart of our home), and I shall ask Him to pour, in abundance, only grace and courage into your heart and soul - every night, I promise.”

I cannot attribute the exact source of my healing of pain, but I want to celebrate it more, and I want you to celebrate it too, even if it returns sooner rather than later. I almost feel like getting out from under my goose-down duvet and stirring the pot to Vulindlela. Yebo gogo, let’s open the gates to this night free of pain and bad health. I wish I knew how to write that wonderful sound we make in South Africa when we are stunned: Yoh/Joj...if you know a Saffa, ask them to do it for you. That’s what I want to say right now: Yaw! In Zimbabawe we used to say: Maibabo (badly spelt)!

I have been too afraid to ask myself one question: do I believe that I will be healed? At present, I am looking at options regarding my home (should I sell?) and making plans that do not involve me being here in 5 or more years’ time. Part of me feels that I should do the sensible thing, believe in the power of prolonging my life beyond the initial Doctor’s conservative estimate, but then part of me says: you will be healed, you will be cured...you will have to get wrinkles and hanging bits like everyone else and wear incontinence pants one day. This is a question which I’m not prepared to deal with yet, call it lack of courage (I hate failing) or call it being realistic. I’m just not ready to challenge myself to answering that question. Many friends have told me that they believe that I shall be healed (cured)...The Secret says: Disease cannot exist in a body that is in a healthy emotional state (Bob Proctor)...Remove physiological stress from the body and the body does what it is designed to do: heal itself (Dr Ben Johnson)...I respect and welcome your optimism regarding my healing, but I am just not ready to entertain that idea just yet.

Several years ago, I was being besieged by yet another chest infection or indigestion-related pain in my chest (to be honest, I am not surprised that disease struck my chest) and was experiencing acute discomfort and pain and I asked my friend Adam to just put his hand on my chest and heal me. I didn’t doubt his ability to do it, he was my best mate and best mates make you feel better, right? And he did...of course Adam attributes this to his faith in God as it was to Him that he prayed when I asked him to heal me. Niggling at the back of my mind is this sneaky little deal I’ve thinking from time to time, if there is a God, let Him heal me and I will believe in Him again. However, it doesn’t work that way. And while we’re on that note, thank you, friends and family for being willing to share your beliefs with me without forcing me to choose the path you’ve chosen, I really appreciate the way in which you all gently encourage me to believe in your own special ways without making me feel uncomfortable.

So, my healing at present must come from within myself and from you, the amazing family and the amazing friends with whom I have been so blessed. I know some success stories out there: I have a past student whose mother was in a deep coma and wasn’t expected to come out of it, who has now been moved to a rehabilitation hospital after making much progress. Her health improvements (against all odds) might be due to Blacky’s sister’s new found faith in God, or it could just be that killer smile he flashes at everyone? Who knows?

I am ready to sleep again...It is 04h15 (I can actually hear some cheeky birds chirping outside)...I feel that wonderful feeling of peace that cannot really be described. Thank you all for sending me peace in return after my last blog (Cry me a river). This week, can we all please focus our energies, prayers and thoughts on helping me to reduce my coughing...it is destroying my voice and makes it so difficult to spend quality time with people and will certainly have some impact on my ability to coach...I believe I can get it to go away, if not entirely, then a lot more than now. Let’s see what positive thinking can do this week.

A la prochaine, mes chers paysans :)

Le megga-goose

P.S. I have a CT Scan on Thursday and I am looking forward to hearing some good news about how well the chemo is working. Good news it shall be!