Cry me a river

Okay, so the tears flowed tonight like the rivers of Babylon. I cried for my mother, I cried for my father, I cried for my brothers and I cried for my sister. I cried for my sister-in-laws, I cried for my brother-in-law, I cried for my 8 nieces and 2 nephews, some of whom I will not see turn 21. I cried for my cousins, for my aunts and uncles, spread far and wide. But mostly, and selfishly, I cried for me, myself and I. I cried for the back-pain, I cried for the chest infection, the runny nose, the hideous cough that tears my throat and chest apart, and the endless nausea that follows me around like a bad smell 24/7. And I didn’t hold back...I let it all out, letting the hot tears wash away the pain and the damn injustice of it all. I cried out the frustration at not being able to walk back from the supermarket with more than one backpack and bag of groceries, I cried for the fact that I want to go to Brussels next week but have to wait to see if I can have a CT scan instead. And you know what, if we give ourselves the time of day, boy can we find a lot of things to cry about. I could’ve cried all night if I wanted, and maybe I will...after all, these are the first tears in over 4 weeks.

And as I write, I am blinded by the tears that are still flowing. But the strange thing is, these new tears are not tears of sadness, anger or frustration. They are tears in recognition of you, the family for whom I started crying tonight, for you, the friends who surround me daily in thought, prayers, texts/sms, emails, messages on facebook and comments on my blog. I’m also crying because right now I don’t want to be a hero, I don’t want to be strong, I just want to acknowledge, accept and come to terms with the fact that yes, I can be weak too. No-one wants me to be a superhero, no-one wants me to pretend that everything is always okay, you all just want me to be ME and that, sometimes, is going to mean being weak and shedding a tear, or two, or a river of Babylon-full.

So I’ve decided to share this with you tonight...not wait until the sun comes out in the morning and I wake up and say “what was that all about”? Because I know that I will wake up tomorrow and feel brighter, better, and stronger, and so will you.
To all of you, friends, family and any “random” person who reads this blog...I wish you peace. The most beautiful greeting in the world has to be Salaam alaikum and it is with that greeting, that I leave you to find my own inner peace tonight.

Goodnight.
Goose